Corporate Factotum

I have been a runner my entire life.  On my personal Venn Diagram of “Things I Enjoy Doing” & “Things I’m Good At” there is “Running.”  Here is how to run.

When you wake up in the morning, go.  Run in the morning. Do not run on your lunch break.  Do not do it after work.  Do it in the morning.

Get out of bed the second you wake up.  This is the key.  Do not think.  If you think, you will hit snooze, open Instagram, check email, etc..  You can think during the run.  The best thinking is done during the run.  Ignore your wife and kids.  They only get in the way.

If you are a morning pooper, that is fine.  Go poop.  But do not linger.  In and out.  Do not bring your phone into the bathroom.  Do not go make coffee.  You do not need coffee. Coffee is better after the run.

The goal is to get out the door.  Get out the door as fast as you can.  This is 90% of the battle.  You are committed once you are out the door.  You can start running.

The distance does not matter.  Whatever distance you run, make sure you run the second half faster than the first half.  This makes for a good run.  

The speed does not matter.  Spend part of the first half warming up.  Run hard in the middle.  Then harder at the finish.  You want to feel so exhausted when you finish that if someone walked up and asked “Hey, do you mind if I shoot you in the face right now?” your answer should be “Please!” 

If you think you are completely spent, you are not.  You are close.  You still have more in the tank.  You always do.  When you are ready to die, go hard for one more minute.  The feel good brain chemicals you will get from these final 60 seconds of hard work are Mother Nature’s heroin.  

A good pair of running shoes are better than the best therapist.  Mizunos > Betterhelp.  Your mental health issues will vanish.  You will not care about what your boss said, what your co-worker did, or why someone won’t text you back.  You will simply feel good.  That is the only thing that matters.

Make a playlist beforehand.  The two songs I recommend are Jessica by the Allman Brothers and Lightning Rod by The Offspring.  Start your run with Jessica.  Jessica is a long, slow, beautiful song.  This is your warm up song.  Go slow.  It will ease you into the run.  If you can comfortably breathe through your nose, you are doing it right.  

Once Jessica is over, pick up the pace.  End with Lightning Rod.  This is your finishing song.  Go all out.  Let the song push and carry you to exhaustion.  Match your foot strike cadence to the drum beat.  You only need to make it through the first two minutes of the song.  That will get the post-run brain chemicals flowing.

Finally do not post or tell anyone about your run.  No one cares.