Corporate Factotum

I went to Phoenix.  I came home one night and a homeless person was sleeping on the couch.  They had eaten my food and thrown trash everywhere.  I called 911.  They sent 9 cops and a drone to remove the person sleeping on the couch.  

I went to Albuquerque.  I walked up to the side door entrance.  I searched through my phone for the door code.  A dog started barking at me.  I looked up.  It was a Rottweiler.  The dog cornered me next to a wooden picket fence.  I put my luggage on the ground and climbed the fence.  The sharp wooden pickets jammed up into my ass.  I shifted to redistribute the pressure across my ass.  My ass got extremely sore.  It took 13 minutes for the dog to leave.  I messaged the Airbnb host.  They replied 3 hours later saying they were sorry.   I later looked at my ass in the mirror to assess the damage.  My ass was red and bruised and hairy.

I went to New Orleans.  I arrived at the address.  There was a fence with a metal gate surrounding the house.  You needed a key to enter the gate.  The key was not in the lockbox.  I messaged the host.  The host said he could bring a key in the morning.  He said that if you pull the gate towards you firmly you can squeeze through.  I am thin and athletic.  My flexibility is decent.  I threw my luggage over the fence and barely squeezed through the gate.  He brought the key in the morning.

I went to Biloxi.  I stayed for two nights.  The house had four bedrooms for four guests.  We shared one bathroom.  I went to the room reserved for me and went to bed.  When I woke, I saw bugs in the sheets.  I took a picture of the bugs and messaged the host.  He replied “Ewwwwwwwwww” and offered to wash and change the sheets.

I went to Jacksonville.  I rented a room in a house owned by a young couple.  The house was built in the 1800s.  The couple had two dogs:  Munchie and Prince.  Munchie was a short fat nugget.  He rubbed up against my legs when I was in the house.  He tried to sleep with me.  Prince was a Great Dane.  He had three legs.  He sat up in his chair and barked at me when I was around.  The hosts assured me he was a wimp.  He never left his chair.  

I went to Miami.  My Airbnb host looked like a Colombian fitness model.  She answered the door in tight booty shorts and a sports bra.  She said she thought I was coming tomorrow.  I masturbated to the thought of having sex with her later that night.

I went to Orlando.  I booked a room last minute.  I showed up and the host’s grandma was in the living room.  She was watching a show in Spanish.  She asked me in Spanish if I spoke Spanish.  I said “kind of” in Spanish.  She gave me a house tour.  She demonstrated in great depth how to use the hot and cold water knobs in the shower.  I dropped off my luggage in my bedroom.  The grandma continued watching her shows loudly.  I went to a bar.  I drank and watched a United Football League game.  At 10 PM I figured the grandma had finally gone to bed.  So I went back.

I went to Amarillo.  My Airbnb was downtown.  I matched with girls on Tinder.  I asked them what there was to do downtown.  They replied, “nothing.”  I went to an arcade bar.  It was the only place open downtown.  I started talking to people.  I asked them what there was to do in Amarillo.  “Nothing,” they replied.  

I went back to Denver.  It was a hot summer for Denver.  The Airbnb was hot.  The window AC unit was unable to cool the place down.  The Airbnb host said that no one ever complained about it being hot.  I was the first one.  I assured him it was hot.  He came by to inspect.  He was a talker.  He stood in the living room talking.  He started to sweat.  He wiped his brow.  He wondered aloud why he was sweating so much.  I said because it was hot.  He said it was the humidity.