Corporate Factotum

Gambling is illegal in Texas.  They have many poker rooms however.  They skirt the law by classifying themselves as “social clubs.”  You pay a club membership fee (daily/weekly/annual) along with an hourly fee to “use” the poker table.  This avoids them taking a rake or a small percentage of the pot, which would be illegal.

Because these are “social clubs,” they cannot charge for alcohol.  Some provide cheap draft beer on tap for free.  You are able to BYOB and the waitress will serve you your own alcohol that you have brought.  You could theoretically pay the daily fee, sit with your own bottle of booze and get hammered.  Outside of drinking at a park like a bum, this might be the cheapest way to get completely fucked up in public.

A guy at the poker table was explaining this to me.  I asked him if anyone ever gets cut off.  He said rarely. 

“…well, there is one guy that has a one drink per 30 minute rule”

“Why?”

He said this particular guy gets “quite annoying.”  I sat next to this guy a week later.  

I heard him before I saw him.  He was speaking loudly.  

“HANDSOME BOOOIIIII.  LOOK AT THE HAAAAAAANDSOME BOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIII.”

“PRITAY LAAAYDAAAYY.  GIMME YO NUMBAAAAH.  WE GO DINNAAAAAAAHHH”

A small Vietnamese man was saying this to the employees.  If a dealer or waitress happened to walk by his table, they were hit with either a:

“HANDSOME BOIIIII.  LOOK AT THE HAAAAAAANDSOME BOOOOIIIIIIIIIII.”

or

“PRITAAAAAY LAAAYDAAAYYY.  GIMME YO NUMBAAAAH.  WE GO DINNAAAAAAAHHH”

These seemed to be his favorite phrases.  Like they were the first English phrases he learned.  He loved to say them.

It seemed like most dealers had been through this routine before.  The females appeared unamused.  Some fake flirted back.  All the males ignored him.  He was undeterred.  

A waitress walked by.

“CORONA PLEASE”

“Nguyen, you had a Corona 10 minutes ago.  You get one every 30 minutes.  You know the rule.”

“NO! LAST CORONA 30 MINUTE AGO”

“No, Nguyen”

“GIMME YO NUMBAAAAAHHH.  WE GO SEAFOOD DINNAAHHHHHH”

The waitress walked away.  

His antics seemed to annoy everyone at the table.  I however loved it.  I could not get enough of it.  I barely paid attention to my cards.  I would get beyond excited when a new dealer would come to the table.  

“HANDSOME BOOOIII.  LOOK AT THE HAAAAAAAANDSOOOME BOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIII.  SO HAAAAAAAANDSOME”

Nguyen began going through his phone.  I glanced over.  He had the Uber Driver app.  I wondered if his riders got hit with these too.  

At one point the staff determined that Nguyen had had enough Coronas.  They stopped serving him.  That seemed to calm him down.

A month later I told this story at a poker table of Florida rednecks.  I reenacted Nguyen’s voice as I told the story.  One older gentleman asked:

“Was that fella’ one of them Orientals?”

Yes, sir.  He sure was.  

I wished Nguyen had been there to hit him with a nice loud ‘HANDSOME BOOOOIIII!’