Corporate Factotum

“We’re having layoffs next week. You will be laid off”

“All right”

I went to Japan.  I ate sushi, walked around drinking Asahi Super Dry while eating food from 7-11.  I saw shintos.  I played Pachinko.  I went to a baseball game.  I sat in the outfield and got drunk and watched girls with backpacks full of beers dance and hand out beers.  I ran along the Kamo River in Kyoto.  I ran along the Yodo River in Osaka.  I ran along the Motoyasu River in Hiroshima.  I went to the Atomic Bomb museum.  It was sad.  I went to an izakaya and ordered food by pointing at things I wanted.  I made friends at the bar by saying “Ohtani” to people and swinging an imaginary baseball bat.  

In Osaka, I walked into a restaurant that looked like a house.  An old woman started screaming at me.  I stood there like an idiot.  I do not speak Japanese.  She motioned for me to close the door.  I closed the door.  She gave me a thumbs up.  We were now friends.  I sat down and ordered ham and eggs from my new friend.  She brought me a plate of at least 8 scrambled eggs and over a half pound of ham.  I didn’t want to disappoint her.  I ate all the food then waved goodbye to my friend.  I didn’t eat the rest of the day.

I went to South Korea.  I looked through a tower viewer into North Korea.  I saw North Korean people walking around outside.  They were in a prison and didn’t know it.  Maybe I am in one.  I watched the Nuggets win the NBA championship from my hotel in Busan.  I drank Soju at a pub crawl and karaoked Gangnam Style.  I blacked out but made it back to my Airbnb.  I had Korean fried chicken and Korean BBQ.  They were tastier than I could have ever imagined.  I went to the world’s most beautiful public library.  I went to another baseball game.  A hype man with a microphone and sexy dancing girls yelled chants at the crowd all game.  I sat in the outfield.  I got drunk off Cass beer while sitting next to a girl from Brazil that spoke Korean.  I screamed in drunken Spanish at the one Venezuelan player for nine innings.  He never acknowledged me once.

I went to Thailand.  I saw beautiful beaches and got the shits.  I fed an elephant bananas.  I bought pants with elephants on them so that I could enter the Thai temples.  I watched Muy Thai fights at night.  I sweated a lot.  I drove a scooter through Bangkok traffic.  It was terrifying.  There were Buddahs and pretty girls everywhere.  The prettiest guys were prettier than the prettiest girls.  One lady shoved my hand against her crotch to prove that she was a woman.  I still wasn’t convinced.

I went to Vietnam.  I ate pho for all three meals one day.  I played poker at fancy hotels with Vietnamese guys.  I folded my hand one time and said “I’ve got shit” and they all laughed.  I was the funny white guy.  I jumped on scooters with strangers to navigate through Saigon.  I learned you can walk straight out into oncoming traffic and scooters will avoid you.  I ate seafood in Da Nang that was alive five minutes before I ate it.  A hooker told me my penis was big.  That was nice of her.

I went to Malaysia.  I went inside the Batu Caves.  The wild monkeys everywhere scared me.

I went to Singapore.  It was clean and modern and expensive and small.  I rented a bike on my last day.  I biked along the water staring at the hundreds of ships waiting for their turn at the port.  I went to the casino.  I watched Brad Owen poker videos before bed.  I thought poker might be fun to play once I got back.

I flew back to Phoenix and started playing poker.  I played poker around the US for twelve months.  I made money.  I met a world of characters.  I discovered and explored new cities.  I had an adventure.  

End.